do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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