i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We're too hungover to prance.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
