that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
