Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
