apparently the secret to your success is patron
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
