she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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