Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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