Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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