dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
