oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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