I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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