There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
