They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize