My nipple is on Facebook.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
