im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize