Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
