And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
