it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
