Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
