My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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