I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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