oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
