MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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