im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
