This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Less talking, more tequila
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Randomize
