Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
