One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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