So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
