If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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