genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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