I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
