Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
