god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I think weed is turning my hair brown
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
