it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize