I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize