If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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