i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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