I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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