Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
