Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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