Your face is a jimmy john
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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