found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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