If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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