so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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