Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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