she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
