her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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