i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Do you remember whose house we're in?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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