toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
