I wanna passion pit in your ass
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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