dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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