I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
