My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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