Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
