I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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