I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
