You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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