There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
