More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
